Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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