R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
