Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
