you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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