apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
