erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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