Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
