I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
