Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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