we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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