Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
