Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
