I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
