Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
