I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
