Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
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Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.