Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
