i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
