things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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