I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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