Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
