Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
