Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We are all done wearing pants today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
