insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
