I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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