You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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