if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
