with your own penis?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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