oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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