That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
