watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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