When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
