The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
