My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
