Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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