people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
