There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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