you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
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I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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