now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
