he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
