I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
