I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
pop tarts are not kleenex
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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