I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
