dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
