hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
