I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hope mine doesn't look like that
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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