"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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