I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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