I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
