Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
