Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
