I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
