Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
