Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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