he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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