Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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