shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
