Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
