My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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