i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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